The almost two year old is waking up, of course, so I’ll have to leave this unfinished for now. I spent too much time trying to sort out the fertility doctor’s orders and potential for oversight and it ate up by blog time. Classic. This is exactly why I need to write more. get it out of my head before it destroys me… there’s a song lyric like that…
we are down the road on our first attempt to create a second life. and our first still holds my whole heart. (even when she wakes up during my writing time.) There is still so much joy and newness in her experiencing the world and the thought of missing any of that because I have another baby to care for makes me sick to my stomach. But then–the thought of growing another baby and introducing #1 to what it means to be a sister, and imagining how she will be with a real baby makes my heart feel so full.
If I were a more faithful person, ahem, a more faithful and hetereo person, this is where I would “let go and let God”–I’d plan with my husband and have sex at the right times and leave the actual decision about having a second child or not up to the big guy upstairs. But I am not those things. I am a person who has to wrack up a credit card with sperm shipping and blood tests not covered by insurance. I am a person who wants all the information to make the best possible plan. I am a person who is impatient with inefficiencies and miscommunications and as such am currently residing in my personal hell. I don’t have faith this doctor is doing the very best thing for me, I think they lost the medical records I handed them 6 months ago and so are now going to order repeated blood tests (NOT GONNA PAY FOR THAT, BTW) and I don’t feel like they have any regard for the financial and emotional cost of those decisions.
I don’t particularly like needles, but I have a medicine cabinet full of them. I don’t react the best to a bunch of hormones, but now I have them coursing through my veins. I’m not sure this is the right way to go, but we’re already here, (and we want a baby, after all, right?)so I’m going with it. Until Tuesday. Then I will ask all the questions until I get satisfactorily detailed and personalized answers. I will air my concerns about too many follicles and the fucking weekend fee, and that if they lost my test results they can either pay for me to repeat the test or they can give me the paperwork to have the results transferred from the lab where it was done. 6 months ago.
We want a baby after all, right? Or maybe we could just spend our money on another long weekend with our #1. Maybe she’d be satisfied with her doll baby. She’d never know what she was missing. We’d never miss a thing with her. We’d be a party of three, happy as can be. Right?
A friend recently told me, “you’ll never regret having a baby, but you might regret not having one when you had the chance.”